Hello… I make a cute puppy right? #WhenSnapchatBecomesThatDeep
By the time I post this up it will probably be Tamil New Year- sooooo HAPPY NEW YEAR! Yay an excuse for me to pretend the year has refreshed itself.
So this is strange because from what I can remember this has probably been the longest time I’ve been away. Honestly I tried to keep on top of it all and come back but unfortunately life had other plans. But yeah I finally feel like myself again and I guess I’m back?
I will try to make this short but I’m pretty sure that is already going to epic fail so you are forewarned.
Boi did a lot of sh*t go down. My main reason for not being present around here is because I’ve literally been mentally in limbo. Physically too but the mental strain was worse. I’ve had many dark moments before. However what made this particular time scarier was that, although I’ve bounced back as fast in the past, this time I could tell I was there – but I wasn’t.
It’s funny how I call it limbo when religiously it connotes with the state of mingling souls with unresolved issues… Issues are definitely what I had. You know when you laugh, smile and continue as if nothing, but inside you can feel your existence slowly crumbling away. Painfully slow in fact. I’m not stressed. Depressed? God knows. Lost? I think by now I can firmly say I’ve been a broken compass for years with no sense of direction. Even Dora couldn’t find me with her overly excited backpack. Throughout 2016 till now, I’ve existed but haven’t at the same time.
I sound so dark haha and I’m giggling over how difficult it is to write this since a while ago I would of easily written a novel. I received worrying medical news in January that I was harbouring cancer for the second time in my life – not like it hadn’t wrecked me the first time- but thankfully this time around it was in the beginning stages. 3 days ago I was told it has now completely been removed but I still have routine visits for a couple of years. Thus at the moment I’m talking from the other side I guess?
Honestly I didn’t think this would be my biggest f*ck up this year because I actually had some major plans that I wanted to put in motion. Plans that involved defying Asian standards so of course you can imagine the chaos I was imagining for 2k16. So once I got told, it was actually funny looking back because my family were upset over the condition whilst I was moping in the corner thinking what of my plans. It has literally been backhand, after backhand from then because I struggled to stay above water and my surroundings were of no help save for certain people. My parents still believe that it has to do with my hygiene.
I was in paralysis because I couldn’t really put anything into motion. Since I had so much time on my hands I thought in the beginning I could focus on my content here and on my channel. Looking back I must have lived up to my nickname of ‘Hamster’ because I had spurts of positivity, but a day later I would just facepalm the floor. In the moment I couldn’t really explain why ths was. “I love these things so why do I hate it now?” Now I can tell it was because I could see no end so I didn’t really want to actively get anything done. I seriously was paralysed mentally. I had no interest in anything I enjoyed. Didn’t even want to get out of bed. It’s the worst when you feel nothing towards the things you passionately did.
As aforementioned my surroundings didn’t help because I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone really. I’m a bit of perfectionist so I’m emotionally constipated and hate showing my true feelings to people easily. However I also am a loner so I get bitter and toxic when no one looks my way. Yeah you can imagine the internal mess I was having. There were a few thoughtless actions by people around me that I don’t think I can forgive for a while but to be honest I guess I’m to blame for being such a mess. Something I had to keep remembering is people will always fail you. So you need to keep yourself standing.
The frightening thing about my time through this all was that I literally let go of hope. I also lost any belief in myself and I became my own parasite. There was one night where I spiralled out of control and my current situation put together with my past issues I let go of whatever hope and energy I had in me. I can’t really say I have any at the moment either and I’m not actively trying to get it back either. As bad as it sounds I’ve been let down too many times to hold onto that sh*t. Through this ordeal I’ve gotten to the point where I couldn’t give zero f*cks. I’m still struggling but I’m doing my best to just keep going because I hate looking at the time just tick by without doing anything. I felt so useless when the days changed to months and I had still done jack sh*t.
My eyes are a bit more open now because I hate myself for letting my life slide by so wastefully for so long. I can’t get any of that back and I hate that instead of trying to get myself out of this mental destruction I just kept sliding down to the point I had nada inside me. I hate being someone whose doing nothing in life, reaching for nothing and living life so stalely. I fear both success and failure but at this point I’ve lost it all (including my sanity) to really give a flying f*ck about standards that have always chased me. I mean I’ve been told my personality is absolute shite before so I haven’t really got much to care about right?
This was definitely longer than I intended and this is just a post to myself because… well I don’t know why. Something was nagging me to write something for ages because I’ve neglected my creativity for too long and that’s one thing that keeps me afloat. I need it back so I guess I’m trying to find my mojo.
Time to stop waffling and get crackalacking instead. Literally listened to that new SM group- NCT U. That 7th Sense song is pretty deep you know for a SM song and I felt it was pretty appropriate for this post. Not that I’m totally addicted or anything.
Enjoy an awesome ‘Melon Ice-Cream’selfie I took which you can’t have because I have awesome talented mates. 😉