I feel like I’ve been haunted by 4 walls all my life. The number 4 itself has haunted me, smirking at me from the corner. At my descent just from this mere number.
Stuck in 4 walls from birth. 4 walls of the hospital routines. 4 walls of my room due to parental restrictions. 4 walls of my dad’s car. Most of all the 4 walls in my mind. Those 4 walls I could never knockdown, but have now been cemented.
Those 4 walls that meant I was always last for teams. When I couldn’t join anything because I was still invisible to the rest of the world. These 4 walls that feels like no one can ever see me through. The number 4 became my Army.
The worst period these 4 walls haunted me was during university. That first year where I thought those 4 walls would give me the freedom and flight I’ve been yearning. But no. Fate proved different. 4 white walls I was entrenched inside, sniper ready at anyone or anything that attempted to enter. Crying in those 4 walls, lying on the floor, eating within them, watching life fade. Fade away from my grasp, from my control. 4 walls were the only friends I had. They were my cushions, my comfort, my lonely solitude. I needed no one if I had 4 walls. They were my saviours from all things unsavoury.
For 3 years 4 walls still didn’t escape me. Made me think constantly. Doubt my actions. Fear success. Live with the self stamped label of ‘mediocre’. She will get by. She will find it. You don’t know she. You don’t know me. You don’t know my loneliness. You don’t know my thoughts. Lonely I felt, with no one. No one’s priority. Just floating inside those walls lifeless. I was their priority. To the point I turned to the blade.
And yet here I am typing this within the 4 walls of my room at home. Within the 4 corners of the only space I own on the floor. Life happens around me, yet my loneliness never fades. It eats at me, laughs at me and my useless self. Waterfalls of loneliness I wake up to. Seeking the river towards something. Anything. But the waterfall beats down on me aggressively. I can’t breathe. 21 years and I’m still drowning. Silently, under the watchful eye of my friends.
4 walls was all it took. To bring about my destruction.